Abuse, Journal, Recovery

to monsignor

A/N: ...I didn’t think I’d be writing this. I didn't think I'd ever want to write something like for him, yet here we are. While I didn't censor out my uncle's name in his letter, I will censor his name; he's well-known and well-loved even postmortem, and I really don't like the idea of facing… Continue reading to monsignor

Abuse, Recovery

cowardice & narcissism

In Britain, a white feather was used to mark a coward who failed and/or refused to serve the country. It was a gift of disgrace, earning the recipient everyone's ill opinion. This comes as a bit of a culture shock for me, having always associated white feathers with angels, beings of pure light, strength, and… Continue reading cowardice & narcissism

Abuse, Journal

disloyalty bind

I remember the first time my dad ever expressed jealousy towards someone else in my life. Sure, my mother did it all the time, openly and loudly, making me out to be some traitorous whore for connecting with someone outside the family. My dad didn’t, and when he finally did, it was very subtle. All… Continue reading disloyalty bind

Journal, Recovery, Spirituality

good shepherd II

I did something today I didn't think I'd ever do. It all came up because I was thinking of how people have helped me out of my abuse. With these nightmares I have about my family (this last one being about my big brother and my sister forcibly taking me back with them), I thought… Continue reading good shepherd II

Journal, Recovery

flowerless flower

There was one day where my friend was telling me how great a person I was, and I just about begged him to stop. I’d get and give compliments in passing all the time, but to be earnestly told, eyes met, that I’m a good thing in this world makes something in me very uncomfortable.… Continue reading flowerless flower

Abuse, Journal

mystery to myself

People seem to have a mixed reaction to my memory being incomplete. Some say that’s a good thing. Others say I should recover everything to truly heal. I used to believe the latter to be true. Now I’m not sure how I feel. For whatever reason, I tried to recall my parents’ faces again today.… Continue reading mystery to myself

Journal, Recovery, Spirituality

faith & love

I was very reluctant to go to Mass today. I almost stayed home, and without as good a reason as last Sunday. When I came to the church, sat down, my mind wandered. I read the readings, heard the homily, but didn't really take in whatever was said. I just ended up feeling like garbage… Continue reading faith & love