Sorry for these jaded entries. Not sure what exactly spurred all these doubts and troubles, especially since I’m looking forward to training for my new job as a swimming instructor.
In light of all these things I’ve been troubled about, I took time today to do some reading and thought:
God the Father; turns out many people actually support my teenaged thoughts of parenting children versus parenting adults, and memories of Old Testament things like the rainbow after the flood would come to mind, reminding me that God always does follow His anger with kindness (and not in an abusive way). My mother in the hospital; these feelings I have are very common among other abuse victims whose abusive family members end up in a similar condition or worse. And while I didn’t really read on it, priests as “foster” fathers; while most do leave or turn bad, the fact that I miss priests that leave is not all bad, and maybe, the changing of a friendship isn’t actually the loss of it as I started to fear it was.
It really does pay to come back to intense things after some of that intensity had lost its edge. I tend to compulsively act in those moments, usually in self-destructive ways.
When I got the news today that my mother is now confirmed to have cancer in her kidney…I was fixed on the idea that God was trying to punish me for my doubts, and my treating her like she was dead to me for refusing to own up to her abuse. I thought of cutting, pulling my scarf tight around my neck. But then, I lost myself in whatever distraction I could lose myself in until now, when I can think about it more calmly.
In retrospect, it makes perfect sense why I’d react that way (abuse lessons, PTSD, etc). I feel like this could be a pretty good life strategy against those intense first reactions that could use some fine-tuning. At least, even in this less-refined state, it got me off that path of self-destruction.
More on the rainbow…it’s written God gave us the rainbow as a promise that He will never flood the world again. It’s a sign of hope, of love. I know it’s been kinda cheapened these days, plastering it everywhere in every context…but seeing a rainbow during or after a storm really is something. I remember watching a rainstorm from my window when the sun came out; every raindrop had a rainbow in it.
I’m in a pretty dark and messy place right now. I tend to just think of how it’ll get darker and messier. But…maybe it won’t. Either way, the bad doesn’t erase the good. The world was flooded to the point of destruction; the rainbow was still beautiful.