Journal

“i don’t want to die”

57.survived

A/N: As extra warning, this entry details a suicide attempt.


This is very hard to write about. I feel I ought to though, while it’s still fresh on my mind. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I’m feeling now.

I’ve been feeling more and more depressed. My confessor and my doctor counseled me to forgive the pain away. I guess it got all tangled up in the chain, maybe the cruelest pain that left the deepest scars, of how my father taught me what forgiveness was.

I don’t think I tied it very well, the scarf. It was clumsily done. It was undone in seconds. I still tried again, still pulled it tighter around my neck. I wondered if the ceiling was going to be the last thing I see. It looked so uncaring.

That’s when that thought, that one thought that had been bothering me this whole couple of hours leading up to this point, has become a very loud, encompassing, screaming thought:

I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!

That did it. That’s what made me finally stop.

Now I’m scared. What’s going to happen to me now?

I texted a goodbye. I never did that before. I texted my friend, telling him thanks for being a good friend, the nicest friend I ever had. I told him that I can’t do this anymore, and that I was sorry.

After I gave up on hanging myself, I texted him again, apologizing, telling him I couldn’t go through with it. He hasn’t replied yet. I’m afraid when he does.

I told my doctor what I did. He hasn’t replied yet either. What if he calls someone? What if I’m sent to the hospital again? I don’t want to go back there.

What’s going to happen now? I don’t know. That frightens me.

I’m curled up in the corner here with my laptop. I want to hug my bokken; I feel very vulnerable and scared. (Ok, got the bokken. Still scared, but I have my bokken.)

When I actually picked up my phone, I realized my friend did reply, telling me to call my doctor or a friend. He said he was out of town and can’t help me. I didn’t think his being in town would have anything to do with anything. I just want to say sorry again and again and again. He told me not to be sorry; just talk to someone who’s here. He said he’s praying for me.

I’ll write more later.

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2 thoughts on ““i don’t want to die””

    1. Hi; I had to wait until enough time has passed to answer. Thanks so much for the comment and the concern. ❤

      I'm not sure if you read my next post about contacting people for help, including my counselor/doctor. It helped more than the ER would've. I mean, I've had nice doctors there, but most recently, not-so-nice doctors. Oh well. At least it turned out okay.

      Like

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